


four seasons in one day

by hybeera



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aangst, Angst, Azula-centric, Does not contain punctuation, F/F, F/M, Maternal based attraction, Mental Health Issues, Set during The Search, The Author Has Mummy Issues, Unrequited Love, not super canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hybeera/pseuds/hybeera
Summary: azula will never know her mother doesn't hate her.or: ursa never takes back her memories.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Azula & Katara (Avatar), Azula & Ursa (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), One-sided Azula/Katara
Comments: 12
Kudos: 128





	four seasons in one day

azula was always ambitious, hitched much closer to her paternal grandfather on the roku-sozin spectrum. it was something that her father found incredibly promising, azula knew that. her mother, though, was a different case altogether.

ursa never understood azula the way she did zuko. that didn’t mean she hated azula, far from it- but azula was a clever girl and was quick to notice the discrepancies in the way ursa treated her and zuko. being a child, however, and with a small range of emotion that she would carry into adulthood, she interpreted it as a distaste for her beyond her own control. for as long as she could remember, azula had wanted to be angry about it. acting like she was didn’t stop her feeling sick to her stomach with every glance of disappointment aimed at her, it didn’t stop her throat tightening up, it didn’t stop the stinging behind her eyes. but maybe one day it would.

the difference in the character of her mother and father resulted in wildly different responses to precisely the same behaviour, naturally she levitated towards the praise and became ignorant to her mother’s criticisms, unknowingly forsaking love for pride. ursa, already overcome by the grief of leaving her family, witnessed her daughter morph into the man she so desperately wished she hadn’t been forced to marry, and felt nothing but an all-consuming numbness.

azula tried to focus on other things; her brother’s friendship with mai was the bane of her existence. well, she didn’t care so much that they were friends. in a way that was poorly presented on her part, azula wanted to be just like her big brother, and having a shared friend group was exciting for that reason. what she hated was the way mai looked at zuko, her rightful leader- after all was azula. her efforts to achieve what zuko had could be summarised as both literal and figurative hair pulling, ultimately, she had neither likened herself to zuko nor gained her mother or mai’s attention. 

azula’s theories changed as she grew older, initially she thought her mother adored zuko over her for his age, and for years she fought tooth and nail for any semblance of authority that might symbolise her superiority over zuko. by then, her mother was long gone, and she gathered from the many days iroh spent comforting them after her death that ursa didn’t cherish power whatsoever. azula continued her battle for the throne having concluded her mother only wanted sons. for all she knew of hira’a, they could harbor similar values to the water tribes. she hoped so.  
when zuko was banished, azula made sure to grin at him. it didn’t make her feel any less alone, but maybe oneday it would.  
-  
azula dreamt of katara every night for a week after their initial meeting. she thought about the way katara spoke and the way katara acted, vitally she thought about the way katara looked. in the following three years she would often wake in a cold sweat of jealousy to the memory of katara tentatively resting her hand against zuko’s cheek, and she would wonder why zuko was so deserving- and why she couldn’t be more like him.

for the duration of the search azula was shaken to the core with fear and desperation. where zuko would find his long-lost mother, azula was certain to find the reason her mother couldn’t love her- and the idea that it could be something more personal than her gender or age made her blood run cold. so much so that she found herself in front of blue flames for the duration of the many nights she couldn’t will herself to sleep. sometimes, katara would join her. sometimes, katara would say something deep and profound certain to elicit a snark and distasteful response. it’s on these nights, that azula gets the most rest.   
on the last night of their journey, azula woke beside katara, having spent the night in each other’s company. the intimacy of the experience provided azula a kind of peace she had never felt before, silently watching katara with a short-lived sensation of ecstasy and adoration, untill aang found them and softly kissed waterbender’s forehead. he means no harm, and he greets azula joyously as to be expected- but it serves as a reminder that unrequited love is her birthright.

by the time they find ursa, azula is so filled with dread she almost leaves. in retrospect, she thinks she should have.  
it’s the moment that she catches sight of the little girl bearing resemblance to herself that she realises its not her age or her gender that made her mother dislike her. it was just her. kiyi is her successor, the horror she feels at meeting her half-sister is beyond imagination.

once again, azula wishes she could just be angry.  
instead, she begs her mother, in the most violent sense, full of rage and disappointment born from dreams she never knew she had. she begs the woman before her with everything she has left, every last ounce of despair and loneliness, every regret and every joy.  
the woman looks at her, looks so deeply into azula’s eyes she can probably see her soul. azula looks back, sight clouded with tears that will never fall, and all she sees is indifference. she doesn’t see the love her mother felt for her when she was ursa. her mother and the woman are no longer one and the same.

azula withdraws, exhales a shaky breath and looks at her brother, identifies the anger in his eyes, in his posture, in his tone. she wonders, not for the first time, why she couldn’t be more like zuko. 

she looks back at the woman, thinks of everything she achieved and wonders where her mother was then, as she inhales a numbness that feels so contradictory to the intensity familiar to her.   
the woman was here, with her partner and daughter living a loving existence she never felt compelled to with azula.

as she leaves, azula wonders why she ever even tried.

**Author's Note:**

> did i cry writing this? none of your business
> 
> also crowded house is a very good band and i'm not just saying this bc im an aussie

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[PODFIC] four seasons in one day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24312886) by [Oceantail Podfics (Oceantail)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oceantail/pseuds/Oceantail%20Podfics)




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